Tonight I'll Drink 9 or 10 Beers....

This morning is rough.
Real rough.
I just sat through a meeting about inflation projections, insured bonds and corporate structure.
I'd rather listen to a bullet whizzing through my skull.
Yesterday I said, "I don't think I'm going to drink tonight."
My mouth actually formed those words and they were verbalized to a friend.
So how did I get here? Let me tell you.

I got home last night and my wife was standing in the kitchen and there was a glorious aroma coming from the oven. Apparently the baby (Krazy K) had been a perfect angel all day so she was able to go food shopping, clean the house and make a spectacular dinner. I must say that I am way jealous that she gets to show the kid off in public while I sit in an office and try to convince people that it wasn't me who just farted. So I get in and she has a wonderful dinner made and a two wine glasses full. How can you argue with that? I guess the wine snuck up on me because less than three hours later the 14 beers in the fridge were gone and I was singing Christmas carols (much to the delight of Kyle and much to the chagrin of Brodie). I really don't remember falling asleep but Kristen didn't look disappointed with me this morning so I guess I didn't do anything really stupid. I actually have a story about that (I intended on telling another story today about my stupid neighbors but this one is way better)

I guess it was 6 years ago when I managed a video store and also worked at Suncoast Video part time. I really didn't need the second job at Suncoast but the people that worked there were fun and my boss was into film and an overall good guy. So one night my boss at Suncoast invites me over to his parents house to swim in their pool and hang out with some of his friends. I was working at my other job that night but decided to head over when I got off. (It should be explained that because I was the manager at the rental place and the owner never checked up on the store I would drink during every shift. I mean drink heavy. A normal evening would find me and a fellow employee drinking an entire bottle of Vlad's. I distinctly remember my assistant manager calling his roommate and telling him he couldn't drive home because he drank too much at work.) I do remember getting to the party and realizing that everyone was a lot older than me. They were quite nice but I felt a little out of place. Well that really is the last thing I remember until the next morning. I woke up with a fleshy tennis ball where my little toe used to be and there was a trail of blood leading from the car to my bed. Here is what happened in step by step fashion
(according to numerous people including my future wife)
-I showed up to the party a little tipsy.
-I was given a drink called a "Hurricane"
-Kristen's (girlfriend then, wife now) high school crush showed up.
-I strip down to boxers and jump in the pool.
-I get asked to leave the pool because people believe that I may be re leaving myself in it.
-I have a few beers.
-I try to walk back to the pool but fall off the pavement and land in my boss's parents rose bush.
-Blood begins to flow from where my pinky toe nail used to be.
-Someone yells "Get him out of here"
-Kristen's high school crush has to pick me up out of this rose bush. I am still only wearing boxers which I am told were riding way up on me.
-I am escorted to the back porch while my wife apologizes to all the attendees of the party.
-I begin to tell my wife's ex-crush how much I enjoyed his ska band in high school.
-He walks away in mid sentence with a look of disgust on his face.
-Kristen then turns to see me drinking ranch dressing from a huge bowl. The dressing was meant for dipping but that didn't stop me.
-I vomited on the side of the house.
-I got carried to the car.

I can't believe I'm a dad.

Just waking up got to thank god I don't know but today seems kinda odd No barking from the dog No smog and mamma cooked the breakfast with no hog

I voted.
I waited 1 hour and 42 minutes.
Thats 102 minutes.
It was raining really hard.
I forgot my coat and don't own an umbrella.
I was wearing a dress shirt, tie and dress pants.
I was wet, cold and cranky.
Here are some stories.

I had my little group surrounding me. First off there was the rugged man who seemed reasonable enough despite his poor fashion choices (dude had denim from head to toe with a little suede thrown in there for good measure) He also neglected to bring an umbrella but didn't seem to mind it as much as me. Maybe that was because he had his socially except able vice to keep him company. As he lit cigarette after cigarette all I could think about was how much I really would like a cocktail. A Hot Toddie perhaps or maybe a warm Johnny Jump Up. Anyway behind me was this black girl who couldn't have been any older than 14 (yes I know that she had to be at least 18 to be voting but no one can convince me otherwise). She spent the entire time on her cell phones with topics ranging from how to cook chicken to the size shirt her 6 foot 7 inch (I'm assuming she was referring to his height) boyfriend (named Baby Boy) wears (its a 4X in case you were wondering) to the plot of the new Saw film to the drinks at Bahama Breeze to the work ethic of her brother Leon to giving head in a movie theater.

I couldn't believe it. She had no problem airing any of this and her voice never lowered in attempt to be a bit discrete. I really don't even know what to say about the whole thing so I guess I'll move on.

There was this monstrosity directly in front of me but I'll get to her in just a second. There were the typical Democratic Campaigners there. You know the mousy looking librarian types with the white hair and no make-up. There was also a smattering of the hippy contingent with their fake dreads, large sweaters and bad beards. I was happy to also see the "college professor" representin' with a few guys wearing Indiana Jones style hats with white turtle necks and tweed jackets.
Awesome.

Anyway all of these people braved the elements to try to let me know that O'Bama (yeah he's Irish now. deal with it)was the man I should be voting for. Good work guys. At one point I had one of the woman tell me that I should call voter services next week to complain about the wait. Why? Isn't it good there is a wait? I mean what is voter services going to do? Revoke voting rights so my line is shorter? Or maybe they'll be able to keep it from raining next time. Or maybe just maybe they'll buy me an umbrella. Which leads me to my next encounter.

Apparently these uber smart Dem Dems decided to bring in some umbrellas for the poor souls who forgot theirs. A very nice gesture I must say. By the time there was a free umbrella I was halfway through the line and thoroughly soaked. A fine gentleman offered me the umbrella but I declined because I noticed that about ten people behind me there was a miserable looking women who probably needed it more than me. I nice gesture? I guess so but it didn't warrant any praise. Thats not how the human globe in front of me saw it. She spun around and was so impressed with my chivalry that she offered me an Oreo. Now let me explain that at this point I had been standing in line for almost an hour and had been examining everyone around me. I observed that this beast was wearing jeans and a circus tent as a sweatshirt. There was no real room to conceal 1 cookie much less the entire box that magically produced. Heres the deal. I'm a big guy and I know it. I'm really not self conscious about it. I go swimming and will jokingly rip my shirt off every once in awhile. I used to be real thin but 8 years of beer has made that a distant memory. With all of that said I don't care how comfortable you are in your own skin YOU SHOULD NOT BE WALKING AROUND WITH A BOX OF OREO'S IF YOU A FATSO!
I wanted to punch this heinous thing in its fat face. She is an insult humanity as a whole.

So of course I took an Oreo. I mean they are quite delicious.

Anyway after I finally got to cast my vote for the right man I made my way to the car and turned on the radio only to hear "Obama has won Pennsylvania". Hmmm I may be wrong but there are still like 300 people waiting in line to vote. It seems like quite a deterrent to announce a victor before people are done voting. Especially since there was this huge push to get more people out to vote. That would be like studios complaining that no one was going to the movies any more after they revealed the ending of every film coming out or The Phillies urging fans to come to CBP when they would give the final score before the game even started (I know thats impossible and I'm delving into Marty sports almanac alternate 1985 territory but again deal with it.) It just doesn't make a whole lot o' sense to me.

After leaving the polling station I decided to celebrate the next president by stopping at a deli and picking up a few Mickey's 40's. How better to celebrate?

After picking up my drinks I was walking through a dimly lit parking lot and noticed that parked next to me was this crazy car with neon laser beams, tinted windows no muffler and more pass than this suburbanite can appreciate. Then two dudes get out and I'm putting on my "Don't mess with me I'm dangerous face" (which falls some where between mugshot Paul Ruebens and Joey Gladstone) The guys walk right past me with even looking in my direction. I get to my car and start feeling a bit guilty about my unwarranted fear (or racism). Then I think back to something Patrice Oneil said, "If I'm walking down the street and I see a bunch of white dudes with shaved heads you better believe I'm turning around."

This new America is going to be pretty wild.

Baby update:
When I get home from work the kid stops crying or fussing and makes this adorable face where his mouth forms an "O" and his eyes get huge.
The single most rewarding thing ever.

Why you act frightened?

So today is Election Day. I used to be really into politics.
I mean really into it.
I read all sorts of books about the economy and foreign policy and humorous commentaries and serious critiques etc.....
I was a member of the campus Green Party and would go down to Philly for shows and wait outside to hand out literature.
Basically I was a total fool. And although I know this makes me sounds pretty stupid, I really don't care too much about politics these days.
I think thats the way that most Americans feel. We all have a few key issues that we focus in on and make our decisions based on that. (Unless your like this idiot friend I have [had] who was the definition of an idiot. In high school his books said things like 'Math' and 'English' instead of 'Algebra' and 'English Poetry'. He was always really self conscious about his complete lack of intelligence and was constantly trying to over compensate for it by engaging in "intelligent " conversation and making up words that seemed like they just may be real. Anyway its these type of people that really scare me because when talking about this upcoming election he says things like "Obama really has him on the issues" and "McCain's philosophy on global affairs really doesn't sync up well with the modern American sentiment". What?!?!?!? Basically these type of idiots get bullied around by all of the liberal media outlets like MoveOn.org and honestly believe that McCain has malicious intentions and Obama is our savior. Neither is true. I see all of these fool [a version of me ten years ago] who equate McCain with Hitler. He's a vet! Do these mental midgets not understand that we exist in a country with a government structure that would never allow for such a scenario? It really boils my blood. Anyway back on topic........)
My two issues are foreign policy and abortion.
I'm not sure why but they are. I really don't like the whole concept of war but understand that it is a necessary evil in some circumstances. I just don't believe this is one of those circumstances.
I also hate religious influence in anything, especially politics so I guess thats where the abortion thing comes into play. I mean I got lucky and never was faced with a situation where I had to choose between having a child unexpectedly and having an abortion but after 8 weeks with my lil' guy I've come to realize that its no easy task so these young girls should have a choice.

I guess thats all I got on the issue of politics. Oh wait I do have a pretty funny story to give some counter balance to my ultra liberal idiot ex-friend. When I was 22 I moved back in with my parents for a few months and took some courses at the local community college. On the weekends I would come back to West Chester and stay with Kristen. Anyway during the week I used to be a server at the Ruby Tuesday by my parents. The place really attracted a lot of the typical I Roc driving, denim wearing stereotypical Jersey crowd. Well I happened to be working when there was a pretty big war protest in Philadelphia and it was being aired on the local news stations. I should mention that it was about this time that I realized the level of political douchebaggery I had attained but was still pretty emotional about the war. So..... oh I also need to mention that I worked with the guy who was uber conservative but otherwise a pretty normal guy. He would just throw out these crazy remarks. For example I gave him a ride to work once and he got in my car and was all like "Turn off NPR now!" and I was all like "Why?" He goes "You know it stands for National Propaganda Radio right?" and I was all like "Dude you have like 5 DUI's and can't drive so why don't you shut up about the radio"
So there I am at a white trash Ruby Tuesday watching these protests on the bar TV and I say something along the lines of "The amount of people there is amazing! I wish I had the day off so I could get up there." Before I know it this weird waiter has me pinned up against the bar and is shouting about god knows what. He had this really deranged look in his eyes so I eventually wiggle my way free and he is calling me a commie (which looking back is the best part of the story). It attracted the attention of some of the patrons and a few decided to join in. Well things escalated and I just walked out. Instead of letting it go these guys followed me out to my car and were threatening to beat me. The one thing I remember is the bar patron said to me, "You want to protest now? Where were you to protest the 9/11 attacks?" I said "If there was a protest to stop the 9/11 attacks I would have been there but I guess I missed that one. Where you at that protest?" The guy responded by saying "You better believe I was there and if you don't get out of here I'm going to make those towers look like a fairy tale." I promptly left but I've always wondered what was going through that dudes head to make him say something so absurd.

I guess the moral is that anyone who takes politics too seriously is an idiot.

This Day Anything Goes.......

On Thursday I received notification that I could print out two tickets for the parade celebration at Citizen’s Bank Park. I was so excited that I took off work on Friday.
Well reality sorta set in on Thursday evening and I came to the realization that I could sell these tickets for $50 and spend the day on the couch with my baby boy. And that’s exactly what we did.
It was a fantastic day.
I watched my Phillies parade down Broad St. with my boy in my arms and my pal at my side. I set the house up for the Trick-or-Treaters with some spider webs, black lights and scary paper lanterns. We carved a HUGE pumpkin and Kristen made her best pumpkin seeds to date. Kyle got dressed up like pizza and was absolutely adorable. My brother brought over some pies and Frank showed up with some drinks. The Wilson’s came over and we handed out 8 bags of candy. Later in the evening we had tons of Johnny Jump-Ups and a bottle of Champagne. We watched Arthur’s Scary Stories, Garfield Halloween, Cannibal Ferox and Halloween. I woke up with no pants on in the bar at 4:30.
It was a great night.

Now that Halloween is gone I am really looking forward to Christmas. I’ve already dusted off the Peanuts soundtrack along with some Bing Crosby. Last night we watched Deck the Halls and had our first Winter Lagers. Life is good. I hope I don’t get burnt out on all of this Holiday Hooplah but I’ll worry about that later. For now I’ll track down a copy of A Motown Christmas, read about the origins of Seven Fishes and determine the best way to roast a chestnut.